Endurance

So this morning my friend and I ran two miles straight! It feels amazing. I can't believe that just about 7 weeks ago now I didn't think I'd make it 1/4 of the way around the track without dying. Funny because I really never thought I'd be at this point...where I could run but also where I kind of enjoyed it.

It's like life. Sometimes there are moments you don't think you'll ever make it through. They are hard and you want to give up. You don't see how you can possibly go on, but somehow God gets you through it and you wind up on the other side.

So,the word of the day for me is grateful. I am grateful that I have been able to keep running even when I'm tired and don't want to get up. That the training allowed me to get to the point where I can run the distance without stopping. I am grateful for friends on the journey. I am grateful for strength and courage to run. Mostly I am grateful that I didn't give up and that God's voice telling me to finish strong allowed me to keep going when I didn't think I could.

I am grateful for this place in life too. For the ability to be here, to keep going, to see God in the moments when I can't see anything else clearly. I am grateful for God's love and grace.

Today I am grateful to be alive and to be so blessed. Priase God from whom all blessings flow! Today I recognize those blessings. SO...thank you God foor your goodness and grace and amazing steadfast love.

Today's Insights

It's always interesting to me how God works things out. I've been contemplating the issues of love and what it means and what it looks like. I've also been thinking about fear and why it has such power to hold us back from doing things that we want to do or feel called to do. Last night there was a speaker at church from Church on the Street in Atlanta. His group ministers to the chronically homeless on the streets of Atlanta. He was speaking on what it means to love your neighbor. He was saying that in order to love you neighbor you need to know and be with your neighbor. You have to be willing to get dirty. You have to use your resources. It was a very challenging message that really made me think.

So when I went running this morning this is what I was thinking about. I was contemplating why fear is a stronger motivator than love. You'd think it would be the other way around. If love is everything, than you'd think that it would trump fear and we'd be obediant. After all we serve the Creator of the universe. If He can't protect us or isn't with us each step of the way who is or will ever be. Funny thing is....while God never leaves us He also doesn't promise bad things won't happen to us. This is where the tricky part comes in. This is where we realize that we could be hurt. This is also where we realize that fear comes in. But than I was thinking fear actually isn't really a great motivator. It's almost like your not doing something becaue you are afraid, but usually when I'm not doing something because I am afraid, I'm mad and resent that fear because it's keeping me from doing something I want to do or feel called to do. Love on the other hand makes us want to do something because we truly care about it and want the best for whatever it is.

Than I was thinking....okay....how do we grasp on to the love and replace the fear. It just so happened I looked up at that point and a morning dove landed on the fence next to me. That made me think of the Holy Spirit and that made sense. We can't have love and get rid of the fear unless we tap in to our resources. God is still with us. His Spirit is with us every day guiding us and loving us and showing us which way to go and what to do. He hasn't left us to beat fear on our own. He is with us.

The really funny part was that I than started seeing all of these birds. It made me think than about the scripture in Matthew 6 where it talks about God providing for even the sparrows. He will provide for my needs. I am free to love my neighbor because God loves me and is providing for my needs. He hasn't left me alone but given me His Spirit to comfort and guide.

So than the funny thing is these birds started swooping low and I thought they were going to run into me. Suddenly I started thinking they might be bats which I'm deathly afraid of. It was ironic because I needed to finish my running but I thought about giving up because I was afraid. It was kind of like.....okay.....this is what we've talked about but do you really get it. Are you really ready to trust Me. I think God has a sense of humor.

So that's what I thought about today. Perfect love should be able to cast out fear. That means I should be more motivated by love than fear because my Father loves me.

Thoughts for the day to continue to ponder.

Gratefulness

This morning I went out to run and the stars were still out. The sky was clear and it was absolutely beautiful. I'm always amazed at God's goodness and creativeness. To think a God that has created the very earth, and stars, and all of the beauty around me cared enough to creat me and loves me is kind of mind boggling.

The last couple times running have been difficult. I think partially because it's been so hot. Sunday I couldn't finish all of the training and Monday night I was pretty sure I wasn't going too make it either. Both days I struggled to keep my mind of of running and thinking about how much farther I had to go, how much I hurt, how hot I was, etc. This morning though was a nice cool beautiful morning. I was looking forward to it with dread. Works been a little stressful, I'm trying to decide about going back for another Master's degree, I'm busy trying to run other peoples lives....the usual business. I had about 3 hours of sleep and the last thing I wanted to do was crawl out of bed when I was already exhausted, but I did anyway. Good thing too because when I had the chance to get to the track, see my friend, and look up at God's beautiful creation it was all good.

The peacefulness of the night/beginning of a new day and the stars in the sky were like God wrapping me in a little bit of grace. As I was running I thought about two things today. First, as I was praying for my family I started thinking about fear and how so many times we look at other peoples lives and see the things they are afraid of and think it's just silly. We wonder how someone can be afraid of that and why they can't see that they have nothing to fear or that God is bigger than what they fear. It seems almost ridiculas to us. And than that's when God reminded me of my own fears. It seemed like He was saying, funny....the things you are afraid of are pretty small in light of my greatness and faithfulness and love. It's easy to point a finger at other people or to think how crazy their stuff is but when it comes to seeing it for ourselves it's difficult. WOW! Talk about hitting me. It's true. So often fear rules my life. It keeps me in bondage or grounded. It prevents me from living the life God has for me or seeing what could be. It makes me unable to do the good things God has for me. I say I trust God, but I think that means I only trust Him so much. I trust Him when I'm at the end of me and I have no strength left to fight. I trust Him after I've had control and messed things up and have no where to turn. I trust Him but not with everything, not with the things that have hurt me in the past and not with my life. Funny.....He is so trustworthy. That's why He tells us not to be afraid, still.....I am. So first, how in the world do I have a right to judge anyone elses fears, and two, how do I learn to let go of my own and trust God with my very life.

The second thing that really hit me while I was running was how much I'm just not a really nice person sometimes. My boss drives me crazy fairly often and instead of praying for him or talking to him, I talk to everyone else. I might think it's righteous indignation, but it's not. It's just me justifying being mad or talking about him and the office and things going on. The scripture from the New Testament that talks about doing your best to live at peace with everyone hit me. I don't often pray for him. I just get mad. I feel like I have the right. But honestly, it gets me no where and I just wind up feeling worse. God grant me the ability to love people even when I don't want to. The grace and compassion to see with your eyes. The heart and ears to listen. The ability to live at peace, not backing down or failing to stand up, but choosing to take myself out of the situation and put you in.

So....all in all it was a wonderful morning. I am grateful, very grateful.

Catching Up

So I haven't written for awhile. I was away on vacation and didn't have the computer at home with me so I'm a bit behind. So I've discovered that it's easier to run when I'm not thinking about running. Most recently I've been contemplating how I spend a lot of time trying not to upset people or make them mad and so I don't always tell them exactly what I'm thinking. I guess though that if you do that you aren't really doing anyone any favors. There is a way to say things in love and I think perhaps that's what tough love means. You say what is true, but in a loving way with pure motives. You say it because you love someone, not for your own gain.

As I've been contemplating modernity and post modernity it's become clear to me that as we live in a post modernity time people are more focused on letting everyone have their own beliefs than on truth. I understand this, I do. But I guess I need to decide what my responsibility is as a friend and what God is calling me to do.

Just some things I've been thinking about as I've been running the last few times.

Also, this is funny....I'm not enjoying the running any more and actually I dread it some days....but again I keep thinking I need to finish strong....not just running but everything I've started in my life. It's the one main message that I keep thinking about every week. Be it running or life....I think it's important to finish strong so I need to think a little more what that looks like lived out.

On a different note....I just spent several days in West Virginia. It was GREAT! I had no cell reception. It was the first time I've taken a deep breath and felt such peace in a really long time. It was a gift and major blessing. I wish I could live that peace all the time.

Well....I'm running in the morning so we shall see what the next lesson in life will be :)

Battle Within

I hate not finishing something. I know it might not always seem that way, but when I have to stop something or don't live up to my own expectations it really frustraits me. This mornings run wasn't what I was going for. Last week at the beginning of the week we repeated Week Three training. Then toward the end of the week we tried to move on to week 4. Week 4's training is: run a lap, walk half a lap, run two laps, walk a lap and repeat. I wound up doing a lap and a half at the end instead of the whole two laps which was difficult for me because I wanted to do the whole thing. I did learn something in that run though....it's okay to rest sometimes. We all need rest and it's not bad to recognize that and walk for a bit if it helps us keep going and finish strong.

Funny....that was an okay lesson for Thursday but today I figured I'd be up to the whole thing and it would be fine. Well...I've been feeling a little dizzy and really tired and yesterday my back hurt. Today I went out to run and after the first 3 laps could only make it half a lap and I had to walk a lap and a half, then I finished on by running a lap. Considering that 4 weeks ago I couldn't even run a full lap you would think this would still be considered an accomplishment.....but in my mind it's a failure. I hate that. I hate this battle within to compete at everything and complete everything and if I don't it's automatically a failure. In anyone else I would consider it a victory and cheer them on. I'd say....good job....I know you weren't feeling the best but you did an amazing job and did what you could and look how far you've come. In my mind though....it's different. All I can see is that I didn't do the whole thing right the first time, and now I did even less right the second time. Oh these battles we fight with no one but ourselves. It would be so easy to let the discouragment take over and give up. Funny because that sounds a lot like a perfectionist which I'm not usually....except I am with myself...I've started to discover this more and more the last few months.

I was thinking about how this relates to my life. I guess it's like these last two times we've been out. Sometimes you have to walk a little, rest a little, before you can finish the race. It's okay to rest. It's okay to need a moment. The important thing is staying on course so that you can pick back up when you are ready to run again. I'm so used to go...go....go all the time I rarely ever take the time to stop and rest and I'm not helping myself or others when I do that. In the end I wind up tired, overwhelmed, stressed and just shut down. When we take the time to do it right and listen to what we need the first time, we are more likely to reach the final destination. It's not about how fast we get there, I guess the point is to get there.

One other lesson. I don't think I've been getting enough water to drink and I was thinking about that in life as well. Jesus is the living water. I don't spend enough time drinking of that living water and then I wonder why I'm thirsty, dry, and can't keep going. It's because I've failed to recognize one of the key components to running strong.

So this battle within rages on but maybe I'm a little farther ahead because I at least recognize the battle is going on and am attempting to fight it. :)

Running-Week 4....Day 2

Okay...I'm a bit more distracted this morning than I am usually when I'm writing. The sun is up, I've been back from my morning run for about half and hour and I've attempted to do several things already and have lost that peaceful quietness that settles over me when I first return from my morning run. That's one of the things I think I like the most and why I force myself to get up early in the morning. It's that peacefulness that invades my soul and allows me to just breath. I can breath without thinking of all the things I have to get done, should get done, want to get done. I can simply take in the newness of the day and relax for a brief moment when I don't have to fix or solve any problems. I don't have to think about any of my mistakes. I don't have to wonder about my future. I can just be. How nice and what a gift. I wish I could grab ahold of that feeling a bit more through out the day so that I could give myself permission to just be. Part of me will always be the doing part, it's my personality and it's who I am. I get energy from being around people. I like the challenge of solving problems, I love those around me and want to fix things, but in doing that all the time I lose the ability to stop, be, and just be grateful in the moment.

This morning when I was running was the first time in four weeks I felt like it wasn't so bad and I might survive this little adventure :) I will survive it because I have a stubborn determination to do so since I started this thing, but it's the first time it wasn't so hard and I thought I could survive it without the ....I'm going to do this or go down trying....thought. Maybe it's becuase we are repeating last weeks training schedule again or maybe it's becuase I'm finally getting used to this a bit and some endurance built up. Not sure.....but I'll take it :)

Two things I also realized this morning. First....my mind is still completely focused on the running and that is making it harder I think. I listen to music while I run to distract me and that's been good becuase sometimes I can listen to the words and stop thinking about how much further I have to go, but often times I'm still thinking about it. Sometimes like I was saying earlier, I'm so caught up in the doing that I miss the being. Something to think about and work on. I think if I could distract myself and enjoy the music the running would be easier. I think sometimes if I could distract myself from the doing in life....I could enjoy the being a bit more as well.

Another interseting thing...this morning there were a lot of other runners out. This is abnormal. In the three weeks we've been doing this I rarely see any other runners. There were two guys running on the track in front of us this morning and as I passed them I heard them talking about technique. Thought that was interesting. Made me think about how we can help each other out and give/get suggestions but in the end it's ultimately about what you are comfortable with or what works best for you. This made me think about how sometimes we try and fit everyone in a box and we try and fit our faith in a box. We expect everyone and our faith to fit into a nice little mold and if it doesn't look like we think it should we discount it as wrong. Funny because maybe it's just a different technique. Not right or wrong, just different. Don't know....need to unpack this some more.

When we finished running and I was driving home I saw a buch more runners. Some were running alone, some in a group. Those in a group were in another group with some running behind that group. It was encouraging to see other runners out running the race. It made me think about how in life there are so many different people and but watching the good example that some set it's easier for us to run strong. It goes back again to the scripture in Hebrew. Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses let us run with endurance the race set before us. Watching others helps us as well.

Well....for some reason I'm falling asleep and need to actually get up and ready for work...but....things to ponder :)

God grant me the stength and grace to get through this day clothed in compassion and love that I might share You with those I meet today.

Random Rambling 2

So I just got back from my run this morning and have been thinking about a few things and thought I'd reflect on them.

First-I was listening to a song this morning while I was running that really spoke to me:
Say Won't You Say by Jennifer Knapp

Every mornin I
Have a chance to rise
and give my all
Every afternoon I find
I have only wasted time
In light of your awe

Isn't love amazing?
I forgot how to speak
Knowing You are near
and I am finally free

Say won't you say
Say that you love me
With love ever love
love everlasting
all my devotion
put into motion by You

My eyes fear to close
this reckless letting go
is hard to bear
On the edge of what I need
still I cling to what I see
and what have I there?

I bred my own disaster
who have I to blame?
when all I need is waiting
to be fanned to flame?

Say won't you say
say that You love me
with love ever love, love ever lasting
all my devotion
put in to motion by You


Sometimes this is a fairly accurate description of my life. Every morning I rise with a new day to live. A "do over" and opportunity to get it right. I tell myself a million things. I'm going to get more work done today, I'm going to be motivated, I'm going to get along with my boss, I'm going to make a difference, I'm going to come home and clean my apartment, I'm not going to waste today like I wasted yesterday. There is such promise in the newness of the day. Every afternoon I find I have only wasted time. Usually I haven't done as much as I could, I haven't gotten along with my boss, the dishes are still sitting in the kitchen sink, I've sat down and half the evening has passed and I wonder what happened. Maybe it's realizing true freedom isn't in the doing. Freedom can only be found in light of God's amazing grace and love.

Funny...I find the lines....On the edge of what I need, still I cling to what I know, this and what have I there? Bred my own disaster, who have I to blame? When all I need is waiting, to be fanned to flame.

I know that God offers all I need. I know His grace is enough. I know that if I truly let go and trusted Him, He is faithful and would be enough. I feel like sometimes I live with one foot in my new life and one in the old. Fear and bitterness, frustration, and anger. All these things hold me to what I have known and always done. God's love, grace, forgiveness, strength call me forth to a new life. One that offers freedom and LIFE....but I can't get there completely because I cling to what I see. I don't know....if I could truly grasp the concept of God's love maybe it would be enough to gently push me the rest of way.

It's kind of like running this morning, it was a bit easier but still difficult. The humidity was rough. Like every step forward I took I ran into an invisible wall. One I had to push past to get to the finish line.

I can't push past all of those things I cling to when I'm focusing on what could be or what I was or did before. It's an invisible wall keeping me from living free. It's keeping me from being completely transformed into the person that God created me to be. It's like I'm saying to God...I trust you with this much of me and my life, but not all of it. It's easier that way....than getting hurt. Funny though...it still hurts not to be living the life God has for you. All those things you think you are protecting yourself from. Fear, rejection, others, still hurt you. If we could just give them up and bask in the knowledge and freedom that God sees us, the good and bad, and loves us and wants us to love Him. If we could grasp it just a little...if I could grasp it just a little...I imagine my life would look a lot different.

God I pray I would stop clinging to what I see and let your love consume me. I pray that I would finally be free. Fee to love and free to live. I don't want to waste anymore time living with those things I know I will only regret. I want to LIVE. Live in freedom and love and forgiveness and grace....and I can....it's not out of reach.

The other thing I was thinking about this morning is that I have so many blessings in my life. God answers my prayers in SO many ways and I forget to say thank you . I forget to acknowledge that He has blessed me and given me so many amazing things. I am grateful but I fail to mention it. God...I'm sorry. I am grateful and I love You Thank you for all that you have given to me.

May this day be one of gratefulness and peace where I walk with You and bask in your abundant grace and love. I choose You. I choose life.