Random Rambling 2

So I just got back from my run this morning and have been thinking about a few things and thought I'd reflect on them.

First-I was listening to a song this morning while I was running that really spoke to me:
Say Won't You Say by Jennifer Knapp

Every mornin I
Have a chance to rise
and give my all
Every afternoon I find
I have only wasted time
In light of your awe

Isn't love amazing?
I forgot how to speak
Knowing You are near
and I am finally free

Say won't you say
Say that you love me
With love ever love
love everlasting
all my devotion
put into motion by You

My eyes fear to close
this reckless letting go
is hard to bear
On the edge of what I need
still I cling to what I see
and what have I there?

I bred my own disaster
who have I to blame?
when all I need is waiting
to be fanned to flame?

Say won't you say
say that You love me
with love ever love, love ever lasting
all my devotion
put in to motion by You


Sometimes this is a fairly accurate description of my life. Every morning I rise with a new day to live. A "do over" and opportunity to get it right. I tell myself a million things. I'm going to get more work done today, I'm going to be motivated, I'm going to get along with my boss, I'm going to make a difference, I'm going to come home and clean my apartment, I'm not going to waste today like I wasted yesterday. There is such promise in the newness of the day. Every afternoon I find I have only wasted time. Usually I haven't done as much as I could, I haven't gotten along with my boss, the dishes are still sitting in the kitchen sink, I've sat down and half the evening has passed and I wonder what happened. Maybe it's realizing true freedom isn't in the doing. Freedom can only be found in light of God's amazing grace and love.

Funny...I find the lines....On the edge of what I need, still I cling to what I know, this and what have I there? Bred my own disaster, who have I to blame? When all I need is waiting, to be fanned to flame.

I know that God offers all I need. I know His grace is enough. I know that if I truly let go and trusted Him, He is faithful and would be enough. I feel like sometimes I live with one foot in my new life and one in the old. Fear and bitterness, frustration, and anger. All these things hold me to what I have known and always done. God's love, grace, forgiveness, strength call me forth to a new life. One that offers freedom and LIFE....but I can't get there completely because I cling to what I see. I don't know....if I could truly grasp the concept of God's love maybe it would be enough to gently push me the rest of way.

It's kind of like running this morning, it was a bit easier but still difficult. The humidity was rough. Like every step forward I took I ran into an invisible wall. One I had to push past to get to the finish line.

I can't push past all of those things I cling to when I'm focusing on what could be or what I was or did before. It's an invisible wall keeping me from living free. It's keeping me from being completely transformed into the person that God created me to be. It's like I'm saying to God...I trust you with this much of me and my life, but not all of it. It's easier that way....than getting hurt. Funny though...it still hurts not to be living the life God has for you. All those things you think you are protecting yourself from. Fear, rejection, others, still hurt you. If we could just give them up and bask in the knowledge and freedom that God sees us, the good and bad, and loves us and wants us to love Him. If we could grasp it just a little...if I could grasp it just a little...I imagine my life would look a lot different.

God I pray I would stop clinging to what I see and let your love consume me. I pray that I would finally be free. Fee to love and free to live. I don't want to waste anymore time living with those things I know I will only regret. I want to LIVE. Live in freedom and love and forgiveness and grace....and I can....it's not out of reach.

The other thing I was thinking about this morning is that I have so many blessings in my life. God answers my prayers in SO many ways and I forget to say thank you . I forget to acknowledge that He has blessed me and given me so many amazing things. I am grateful but I fail to mention it. God...I'm sorry. I am grateful and I love You Thank you for all that you have given to me.

May this day be one of gratefulness and peace where I walk with You and bask in your abundant grace and love. I choose You. I choose life.