Gratefulness

This morning I went out to run and the stars were still out. The sky was clear and it was absolutely beautiful. I'm always amazed at God's goodness and creativeness. To think a God that has created the very earth, and stars, and all of the beauty around me cared enough to creat me and loves me is kind of mind boggling.

The last couple times running have been difficult. I think partially because it's been so hot. Sunday I couldn't finish all of the training and Monday night I was pretty sure I wasn't going too make it either. Both days I struggled to keep my mind of of running and thinking about how much farther I had to go, how much I hurt, how hot I was, etc. This morning though was a nice cool beautiful morning. I was looking forward to it with dread. Works been a little stressful, I'm trying to decide about going back for another Master's degree, I'm busy trying to run other peoples lives....the usual business. I had about 3 hours of sleep and the last thing I wanted to do was crawl out of bed when I was already exhausted, but I did anyway. Good thing too because when I had the chance to get to the track, see my friend, and look up at God's beautiful creation it was all good.

The peacefulness of the night/beginning of a new day and the stars in the sky were like God wrapping me in a little bit of grace. As I was running I thought about two things today. First, as I was praying for my family I started thinking about fear and how so many times we look at other peoples lives and see the things they are afraid of and think it's just silly. We wonder how someone can be afraid of that and why they can't see that they have nothing to fear or that God is bigger than what they fear. It seems almost ridiculas to us. And than that's when God reminded me of my own fears. It seemed like He was saying, funny....the things you are afraid of are pretty small in light of my greatness and faithfulness and love. It's easy to point a finger at other people or to think how crazy their stuff is but when it comes to seeing it for ourselves it's difficult. WOW! Talk about hitting me. It's true. So often fear rules my life. It keeps me in bondage or grounded. It prevents me from living the life God has for me or seeing what could be. It makes me unable to do the good things God has for me. I say I trust God, but I think that means I only trust Him so much. I trust Him when I'm at the end of me and I have no strength left to fight. I trust Him after I've had control and messed things up and have no where to turn. I trust Him but not with everything, not with the things that have hurt me in the past and not with my life. Funny.....He is so trustworthy. That's why He tells us not to be afraid, still.....I am. So first, how in the world do I have a right to judge anyone elses fears, and two, how do I learn to let go of my own and trust God with my very life.

The second thing that really hit me while I was running was how much I'm just not a really nice person sometimes. My boss drives me crazy fairly often and instead of praying for him or talking to him, I talk to everyone else. I might think it's righteous indignation, but it's not. It's just me justifying being mad or talking about him and the office and things going on. The scripture from the New Testament that talks about doing your best to live at peace with everyone hit me. I don't often pray for him. I just get mad. I feel like I have the right. But honestly, it gets me no where and I just wind up feeling worse. God grant me the ability to love people even when I don't want to. The grace and compassion to see with your eyes. The heart and ears to listen. The ability to live at peace, not backing down or failing to stand up, but choosing to take myself out of the situation and put you in.

So....all in all it was a wonderful morning. I am grateful, very grateful.