Battle Within

I hate not finishing something. I know it might not always seem that way, but when I have to stop something or don't live up to my own expectations it really frustraits me. This mornings run wasn't what I was going for. Last week at the beginning of the week we repeated Week Three training. Then toward the end of the week we tried to move on to week 4. Week 4's training is: run a lap, walk half a lap, run two laps, walk a lap and repeat. I wound up doing a lap and a half at the end instead of the whole two laps which was difficult for me because I wanted to do the whole thing. I did learn something in that run though....it's okay to rest sometimes. We all need rest and it's not bad to recognize that and walk for a bit if it helps us keep going and finish strong.

Funny....that was an okay lesson for Thursday but today I figured I'd be up to the whole thing and it would be fine. Well...I've been feeling a little dizzy and really tired and yesterday my back hurt. Today I went out to run and after the first 3 laps could only make it half a lap and I had to walk a lap and a half, then I finished on by running a lap. Considering that 4 weeks ago I couldn't even run a full lap you would think this would still be considered an accomplishment.....but in my mind it's a failure. I hate that. I hate this battle within to compete at everything and complete everything and if I don't it's automatically a failure. In anyone else I would consider it a victory and cheer them on. I'd say....good job....I know you weren't feeling the best but you did an amazing job and did what you could and look how far you've come. In my mind though....it's different. All I can see is that I didn't do the whole thing right the first time, and now I did even less right the second time. Oh these battles we fight with no one but ourselves. It would be so easy to let the discouragment take over and give up. Funny because that sounds a lot like a perfectionist which I'm not usually....except I am with myself...I've started to discover this more and more the last few months.

I was thinking about how this relates to my life. I guess it's like these last two times we've been out. Sometimes you have to walk a little, rest a little, before you can finish the race. It's okay to rest. It's okay to need a moment. The important thing is staying on course so that you can pick back up when you are ready to run again. I'm so used to go...go....go all the time I rarely ever take the time to stop and rest and I'm not helping myself or others when I do that. In the end I wind up tired, overwhelmed, stressed and just shut down. When we take the time to do it right and listen to what we need the first time, we are more likely to reach the final destination. It's not about how fast we get there, I guess the point is to get there.

One other lesson. I don't think I've been getting enough water to drink and I was thinking about that in life as well. Jesus is the living water. I don't spend enough time drinking of that living water and then I wonder why I'm thirsty, dry, and can't keep going. It's because I've failed to recognize one of the key components to running strong.

So this battle within rages on but maybe I'm a little farther ahead because I at least recognize the battle is going on and am attempting to fight it. :)